


My Dearest Merlin

by Nebula5030



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Letters, Love Confession, M/M, Post-Finale, Requited Love, Sadness, THIS IS LITERALLY NOTHING BUT PURE MERWAINE ANGST, referenced character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 15:26:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/pseuds/Nebula5030
Summary: A week after the Battle of Camlann, Merlin receives a letter.





	My Dearest Merlin

“Merlin?”

Merlin had been on his bed, staring blankly at the wall with unseeing eyes when Gaius entered; the usual position he had been in this past week. He hadn’t moved much beyond the small confines of his room at all, and no one could blame him.

No one could blame him for mourning the death of his friend, his king.

His Arthur.

Merlin sat up and wiped his eyes, but it did nothing to rid them of the bags below. “Gaius. Hi. Did you need something?”

Gaius stepped in, face morose. “Percival stopped by. He found this in Gwaine’s room and asked me to give it to you,” he explained, holding something out to Merlin.

Merlin’s chest clenched further. It always did at the mention of Gwaine. Hearing his name only reminded Merlin of that he had lost two of his best friends. It only reminded him of how much he’d failed. At times it felt like he was the only one mourning Gwaine: the rest of Camelot too caught up in the loss of their king to pay mind to a single knight. A single knight among many who’d been lost.

But he’d been so much more than just a knight to Merlin.

He’d been his Strength.

And now that Strength was gone.

Merlin glanced at what was in Gaius’s hand, slightly confused. What could have possibly been in Gwaine’s room that Percival thought it best to give to Merlin?

Merlin reached out and grabbed it. “Thanks, Gaius.”

A faint smile crossed the physician’s expression, but then Gaius turned and left before Merlin had even examined what he now held in his hand.

It was a letter. Folded up and sealed with wax. On the front was Merlin’s name, scrawled in a handwriting that Merlin recognized with a sharp pang in his chest. As Merlin stared at the envelope in anguished disbelief, he realized that there was something else within. Merlin took a hand and lightly pinched the slight bulge, feeling what felt like a small chain through the paper.

Merlin turned over the letter, staring at the wax seal that kept it closed. Part of him didn’t want to open it. Didn’t want to soil one of the last things Gwaine had touched. But with a flash of gold, the wax separated from the envelope and Merlin unfolded the letter, the object that had been within falling to his lap.

Merlin choked back a sob. There, now on his lap, was Gwaine’s necklace. The one he had never seen the knight without. Or at least thought he hadn’t. Merlin picked it up with shaking fingers, rubbing his thumb over the silver dragon scale as he remembered where it had sat next to the knight’s throat.

He thought the necklace had burned with Gwaine. Burned with him as his body was reduced to nothing more than ash and scattered on the winds.

Merlin closed his fist around the ring and dragon scale and let out a shaky breath, fresh tears burning in his eyes, before he turned to the letter and began to read.

 

_My dearest Merlin,_

_If you’re reading this, it probably means I’m dead. I hate to start this letter like that, but it’s the truth. My gut has never led me astray, and right now my gut is telling me I need to write this before we set out for Camlann. Before we leave Camelot. Being a knight and living my life, I’ve long accepted that each day could very well be my last. But, right now, something more tells me that I might be right this time._

_Perhaps this is selfish of me, to leave this to you for after I’m gone. But I’ve never been a very selfless person, and I there some things I want to tell you. Some things that I need you to know._

_First off, I want to say thank you. For everything. For giving me a friend. For letting me share yours. I wasn’t lying that day when I told you that you were the only friend I’ve got. I’d been on my own for a long time, never trusting anyone or anything. But, waking up in your bed to your smile broke down the barriers I had built, and I admit that at first it scared me, but I’m glad they broke._

_Thank you for giving me a place I could call home. Something that for a long time I thought I would never have. When we met in that tavern that day, I was a mess. I still am, but even more so then. My life had become wandering the lands, not caring about anyone or anything. Until you came along. You showed me that I could do more with my life, something more than just drinking and gambling, and that is something that I will be eternally grateful for. Thanks to you, my life became one that my family could be proud of. That I could be proud of._

_You made me want to be someone better than who I was, and I hope beyond all hope that I became someone that you could be proud of._

_I still remember the smile you gave me after Arthur knighted me. In that moment, I knew I had made the right decision, to have someone, to have you_ _look at me like that. And I haven’t regretted it for a single moment since._

_Another thing I wanted to tell you is that I know about your magic. I have for years now. I mean, you’re not exactly subtle with it, are you? I’m surprised no one else has figured it out. But I want you to know that I’ve never judged you for it. I understand why you kept it private, and I didn’t want to give you unnecessary stress by letting you know I knew. Especially since everyone seems to think me incapable of keeping secrets. Why is that, Merlin? I know that I do enjoy a bit of juicy gossip, and I certainly love to participate with the servants if given the chance, but who doesn’t?_

_I’m going on a tangent. Where was I?_

_Ah yes, your magic._

_I will admit, I do wish you had told me, but I don’t blame you for not. You not telling me is my own shortcoming by not letting you know that you could trust me enough to never tell anyone. I failed you as a friend by not showing you that you could trust me, and that’s my own fault, not yours._

_Look at that, I’m actually taking the blame for something for once. That’s probably another influence you’ve had on me, Merlin. Another way you’ve made me a decent person, damn you._

_Now, you’re probably wondering about the necklace._

_The necklace was my father’s and the ring my mother’s. She told me when she gave it to me, that I should one day give the ring to the person I wanted by my side forever and always. The person whom I would love till the day I died._

_And I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I realized that I had already decided that I wanted to give it to you, Merlin. I wanted you to be the one to have my ring._

_I’d hoped one day to kneel on one knee in front of you, and ask that you stay by my side for as long as I lived. Ask you to marry me, Merlin._

_Based on the fact you’re reading this, I guess that day is never going to come._

_But, you have it now, don’t you? Funny how life works sometimes. All I ask is that you take care of it. It was my most precious possession, and I hope that when you hold it, when you look at it, you’ll remember me and all our adventures together: when we first met, the Fisher King’s lands, the quest for the Cup. I hold all of those close to my heart, Merlin. Along with numerous others that I’m sure you’ve forgotten._

_I hold you close to my heart, too, Merlin. Closer than anyone I ever have before. And I wish that I could have worked up the courage to tell you that._

_I guess I’m a coward like that, aren’t I, Merlin? I’ve faced wyverns, sorceresses, slavers, numerous angry tavern owners, but I’ve never been able to work up enough courage to tell the man I’ve loved for years how I felt. The wonderful, caring, loyal, smart man whom I’ve admired from the moment he spoke back to those two brutes in the tavern. If I’m being honest, that moment changed my whole life, and put me on a path that I thought impossible, but am glad to have found._

_Because I met you, my life has changed infinitely for the better. And, no matter what happens at Camlann, I will be grateful for that. I will be grateful to you._

_And I can die happy, knowing that you were my friend._

_I love you, Merlin. Thank you for everything._

_Goodbye._

_Gwaine_

 

Merlin covered his mouth with a hand, feeling the tears that had been streaming down his face as he’d read Gwaine’s letter. He’d subconsciously put the necklace down on the bed next to him, and now he turned to look at it with shaking breaths, his vision swimming with fresh tears.

The ring was still on the chain, glinting gold in the light.

Merlin set the letter down on his nightstand, as gently as is if it were a butterfly wing, and reached for the necklace with his other hand. He grabbed the charm and ring, staring at them as they rested on the palm of his hand.

In his mind, an image formed: one of Gwaine, resplendent in his crimson cloak and armor, kneeling on one knee and holding the ring out to Merlin, a wide smile on his face. Before he could stop himself, before Merlin could stop his imagination, he heard Gwaine’s voice: _“_ _Merlin, will you marry me?”_

What would Merlin have said?

Merlin let out a sob. He already knew the answer. “I would have said ‘Yes,’ Gwaine,” he whispered, voice breaking. He clenched the necklace in his hand and brought the fist to his mouth. “ _I would have said, ‘Yes.’”_

It wasn’t fair. None of this was. Merlin just wanted to _scream_. Scream at the world for taking _everything_ from him. For taking Gwaine, for taking Arthur. For taking his Destiny away from him.

Merlin didn’t know how long he sat there, his body raking with sobs in a way that was all too familiar now. All he knew was that the tears dried at some point, as they always did, and he found himself numb once more as his shoulders shook with each shaky breath.

Merlin opened his fist slowly and stared at the charm and ring once more, noticing in the back of his mind that he’d been squeezing the necklace so hard it’d left imprints on his skin. He didn’t take his gaze off of them as he began to tug at the knot of his neckerchief.

 

Gaius looked up from where he was setting out supper at the sound of Merlin emerging from his room. He spotted his ward, and was taken aback.

“Merlin?”

Merlin looked up at the sound of his name. His eyes were rimmed red, and Gaius could plainly see tear stains on his cheeks. But… that sight wasn’t unusual as of late. It was something else that had caught his attention.

His neckerchief was gone, and in its place Gaius could now see Gwaine’s necklace.

“It… it was in Gwaine’s letter,” Merlin explained, sniffling as he wiped his eyes with the hem of his sleeve. “He wanted me to have it.”

Gaius didn’t move for a moment, but then he nodded softly. “… he cared for you a lot, Merlin.”

A fresh wave of grief washed over his ward, and Gaius watched as Merlin screwed his eyes shut and nodded shortly, new tears spilling from his eyes.

Without a word, Gaius walked forward and pulled Merlin into a hug, holding him tight as Merlin sobbed into his shoulder.

All the usual words of comfort were lost. It wasn’t alright. It wouldn’t be for a long time. Gaius said nothing as he held Merlin, only holding him and imparting as much comfort as he could to the man he’d come to love as a son.

When Merlin’s crying had tapered off several minutes later, Merlin spoke.

“He wanted to marry me someday, Gaius.”

Gaius was taken aback in surprise, but this his brow furled and he nodded slowly. “He told you that in the letter?”

Merlin simply nodded against Gaius’s shoulder.

“… and what about you?”

Merlin was silent for a moment before he responded, “I wouldn’t have hesitated.

“Not even for a moment.”

 

That night, Merlin found himself on the highest battlement of the castle, staring out at the numerous stars that dotted the beautiful sky above.

Merlin held the charm of the necklace in his hand as it sat around his neck, his hand resting against his chest and his thumb running along the edge of the dragon scale. He’d been out here for a while, lost in his own mind and memories, and the cool night air was beginning to set in.

It was when he began to shiver that Merlin let out a sigh and turned to head back in, his hand falling from his chest. He took a couple steps and put his hand on the handle of the door, before turning and glancing out at the world one last time. He shut his eyes, and let out a breath before stepping inside.

_I love you, too, Gwaine._

_Goodbye._

 

__

  


**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this. Many times. I'm just too in love with these two ;-;
> 
> Fun fact: I started writing this at one a.m. (not last night, but the day I started) because the idea came to me and wouldn't let me sleep until I had something down.  
> Another fun fact: The working title for this was "Why am I doing this to myself?" lol

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[ART] The Necklace of a Knight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14674059) by [Nebula5030](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/pseuds/Nebula5030)
  * [Thank You For Everything, Goodbye](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16275908) by [Guessimaclotpole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole)




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